The last time I blogged here was when my darling daughter was 3 weeks old. And I couldn't believe it. And I haven't sat in front of this computer screen for the purpose of updating this blog until now. She is 3 months old today. I'm amazed at all the little things that have come with being a Mommy. How you know without a doubt that you will forever remember the exact date and time your child was born, how much they weighed and how long they were. But you can't remember what you had for dinner last Tuesday. How you know exactly how it feels when they finally fall asleep, because the little body in your arms becomes a little heavier. But you can't remember what it was like to go to sleep when you wanted, for as long as you wanted, without thinking about schedules and feeding times.
My life now revolves around a smaller life. A better life, I hope. I think that no matter how our lives turn out, we always want better for our kids. I wouldn't change a thing about the way I've lived my life, or where it has brought me. But I hope and pray that my daughter won't have to make the same mistakes to find the same kind of happiness.
I can't help but marvel at the little person she is. How she smiles every morning when she finally "wakes up" and realizes Mommy is holding her. How her face lights up when Daddy comes home, and it's like she all of a sudden realizes that she missed him. How she recently found her thumb, but sometimes still loses it. They way she tries to sing along when I sing her songs. The way she starts to talk, and gets angry when no one is talking back. That big, gummy smile.
I try to soak up as much of her as I can every day. I know she is not going anywhere, but these days of itty bitty baby are ending all too soon. I don't want to lose these days where everything is so simple. I don't want her to grow up. Even though I remind myself that with growing up comes getting to see her become a lovely little lady, I can't help but be a little sad about the tiny baby she used to be and is no longer. And she's only 3 months old!!! By the time she starts school, I think I will be a wreck. I have to remember that it is also exciting to see the "growing up stuff" too. To find out what she will be interested in. To see what abilities she will excel at. And to help her and be a part of it. I see a lot of me in her right now, and I think I'm scared and excited to see if she continues on that path. My wonderful mother was more than just a mom, she was my best friend. And I'm scared to death that I won't have the same kind of relationship with my daughter. What if she doesn't like me? What if she never trusts me? What can I do to prevent that? Is there anything? Or do you I just have to step back and let the pieces fall into their pre-determined spaces, and accept whatever picture they make?
For now, I will sing her songs and watch her smile. I will pick her up when she starts to cry. I will hand her to Daddy when he walks through the door. Because right now, that's how I can make her happy.
<3
